Choose your Own Adventure (brief)

You are the CTO of a small tech company* – you have to go to the bathroom. When you use your key, and it gets stuck, what do you do?

• Try to yank the key out using the keychain as leverage. Go to page 22.
• Take the key off of your keychain, leave it in the lock. Go to page 46.

Page 22

It won’t come out! Now what?!

• Yank out the keys with pliers. Go to page 34.
• Take the key off your keychain, leave it in the lock. Go to page 46.

Page 34

Are you sure? Absolutely sure? You could snap your keys! Don’t do that!

• I don’t care. Snap my keys! I want my keys out. Yank ’em out anyways! Go to page 42.
• Simply remove the key from the keychain – takes 20 seconds! Go to page 46.

Page 42

You pull your keys out, and live happily ever after. You win! Congratulations.

Page 46

You get your keys back, but the next day your key is no longer in the lock. Now every single time you go the bathroom, you keep thinking you have keys, but you don’t. So you have to go back to the office and get the office bathroom key. You’re a loser. You lose. Lose lose lose. Why don’t you just pee your pants, loser. You suck.

*This means you still have to pick up the helpdesk phone. But you can pretend that other people have to listen to you. And you can pretend that you’re very important. But it’s important to remember, at your very core, that you are a lameo. Lame lame lame.