One of the challenges we run into when we are married is “where are we going to eat?” or “What are we doing tonight?”
It’s really easy when one person or the other says “I really want <x>!” Or “I really do not want to do <y>.” That’s no big deal.
But, in real life, those things aren’t that common. There’s often this, kind-of, ‘meh’ reaction, a lot of the time. “Where do you want to eat?” “I dunno, where do you want to eat?” And that goes back and forth and you never get anywhere.
I started to find myself trying to guess what Alison wanted, and suggesting that. And she would try and guess what I wanted, and suggest that.
It ends up in a cycle, and it sounds a lot like the old saying about “Being married is just asking each other, ‘I dunno, what do you want to eat?’ over and over until you die.”
But we are big giant nerds who like to solve problems. So we’ve come up with a system. A system which I am now going to share with you, to fix all sources of martial strife.
The System
This mostly works with Boolean options – true/false, yes/no, go/stay, etc.
You come up with your ‘number’ – on a scale of 0-100, how much do you want the option that you want?
And the other person comes up with their number. And you compare. Whoever’s number is a larger absolute value from 50, their option wins. You take your W’s and your L’s, and the system just works.
I asked Alison if she wanted to go to the mall today. Me, personally, I could’ve gone or not gone – my number genuinely felt like a 50 (coin toss). She reports she’s at a 60 for no-go. Boom. Done. We don’t go to the mall.
What’s great about this is there’s no guilt. The system just works as designed. When you win, don’t back down from your win, just take it. When you lose, accept your L – the other person’s desire is stronger than yours, it needs to be respected.
There are always going to be some things like “never” or “always” – and that’s more out-of-scope from this. If you absolutely do not want to go to the mall today, then put your foot down and don’t go.
But, again, those are easy. It’s that “meh” line that’s harder to walk.
One thing that hasn’t come up since we started to use this is dealing with very high absolute values. Someone being at 90 versus someone being at 5. That’s going to be a lot harder to navigate, and losing after tossing out a 90 is going to really sting.
We haven’t yet had to make our votes ‘secret’ – for fear that someone might inflate or deflate their number to try to “just get along” or “go with the flow.” Or to “get your way.” But if we start to see that, we’ll probably do something where we write our number down in the Notes app on our phones or something. But that hasn’t happened yet.
Honestly, when I do ‘lose’ with this system I actually feel pretty good about it – if I’m 52% for something and she’s 44%, her feeling is stronger (2 points above 50, versus 6 points down from 50) – so long as I was honest at my 52, I’m definitely going to feel good that her choice was right for her and I can do it.
So far, for us, it hasn’t failed yet. The only time we’ve had problems with this was one time where we didn’t use it – I wanted to go to this “meet up” event here and she really didn’t. We should’ve put numbers on that and either she would’ve gotten dragged to the event, or I could’ve felt better about not going, knowing that she felt more strongly than I did.
So, you’re welcome. Enjoy a life of strife-free marriage.